Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Usual Duckspects

Welcome to the Duck Dynasty portion of our program, ladies and gentlemen.  There will be another edition later in the week, but for now, these two paragraphs will have to do.  Eh hem.  Swiss Family Robertson, I remember when you sauntered into my life.  It was a cold, drizzly evening - I have no idea, weather doesn't affect me, just figured this enhanced the story - and A&E was running a marathon of a show I've never heard of before, as they are prone to do.  Long story short, watched 4 episodes and was hooked.  To this very day, I still have Season 1, and some of Season 2, scattered about on the DVR.  I'll throw on the classic episodes whenever there isn't anything on, or when I'm eating.  Or when it is raining and I feel sad (I lied, weather affects me greatly).  Those three options pretty much cover anytime I'm inside and/or near a TV.
It felt like that first paragraph went really well.  Like I covered all my bases, even gave a nice anecdote about the first time I watched the show.  May have gotten a little too personal about my rain issues, but that's alright.  Rain is depressing, everybody knows that.  Whether or not you want to admit it, that's up to you.  So I'll close with this.  The reason the pic took so long, was because I had to come correct.  In the entire English language, what are the only other two words that could come close to matching "Duck" and "Dynasty"?  That's right.  "Keyser" and "Soze".  Pronounced SO-zay, for the uninitiated.  Don't know how to do that thing over the "e" on the computer and it's too late for me to learn tonight.  Seacrest out.
Maggie Grace.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

LINC'D: The Ballad of DeShawn and Abe

I almost don't want to write my standard two paragraphs for this particular post.  I just want people to bask in the fact that DeShawn Stevenson (he's the one on the right) has a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln on his Adam's apple.  Not his neck, his Adam's apple.  Recognize the bravery, courage, and both the physical and mental fortitude that took.  I dare you to get a former U.S. president's face permanently inked just below yours.  I promise, it's a tough look to successfully pull off.  You don't just see people walking around with Grover Cleveland forever on their voice box.
I'm not joking about this either.  Normally, these write-ups are sarcastic and superfluous, but that first paragraph was me being serious.  Honest, even.  That tat has fascinated me since the first time I saw it.  I said to myself that one day, when I am grown and can handle such responsibility, I will pen a picture worthy of that presidential neck ink.  And so I did.  And it is now DeShawn Stevenson's twitter background.  Mission accomplished.
Super Bowl Beyonce.  Because that is now an entirely different Beyonce.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Space, Time, & Those Who Transcend It

Who doesn't like White Men Can't Jump?  The correct answer would be nobody.  Who doesn't like Jalen Rose and/or Bill Simmons?  The answer to that would also be nobody.  Actually there may be a few detractors in either case, but I'm just going off my own opinion and what I think is right.  I don't have access to polling technology, people.  This is a blog run by one person.  I do the best I can.
Semi-medium-length-story short, I wanted to illustrate the dynamic duo of Simmons and Rose that now graces the set of NBA Countdown and multiple Grantland podcasts, but in a way that transcends time and space.  Enter Billy Hoyle and Sidney Deane, known space and time transcenders.  But if I may go back to Rose for a second: During these Grantland podcasts, Jalen has a bat on his shoulder at all times.  This is a phenomenal look, but then again Rose has always been a trendsetter (Baggy shorts and black socks say hi).  I gave the Louisville Slugger look a try myself for a little while, but kept getting weird looks in grocery store aisles.  Guess it's not for everybody.  As is the case with the wardrobe stylings of Hoyle and Deane.  Just kidding.  Everyone looks great in early 90s fashion.
Kate Upton.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

National Championship Dance-Off

I am so proud to post what I am pretty is the only BCS National Championship Preview, AFTER the BCS National Championship Game.  That takes real and unadulterated talent.  I have that in dumpsterloads.  I will predict right now Ed Lacy (I call him Ed instead of Eddie because it makes him sound older; that's how much respect I have for him.  That and because he looks like that auto mechanic you really wouldn't want to see again in a dark, confined space.  And he rocks the pacifier mouthpiece.  So he's like an old, scary, over-grown baby who's really good with cars.  I fear I've gone on too much here considering this is still inside of a set of parenthesis...) and T.J. Yeldon (back to original sentence now) will run all over Notre Dame's collective defensive face.  What do you know...that's exactly what they did.  I also predict A.J. McCarron will have a girlfriend that will explode the internet and in the process, Brent Musberger.
I also predict that in this, the highly anticipated National Dance Craze Dance-Off (copyright pending, I think that name is spectacular), Team Gangnam will convincingly thump Team Dougie.  After all, elephants are know for their innate footwork dancibility, if nothing else.  The computer just red-underlined "dancibility" as I'm typing this like that's not a real word.  I also predict I'm smarter than computers.  Four-for-four on my predictions, so now seems like a good time to stop.  Perfection, yet again.  Like I said, dumpsterloads.
Katherine Webb.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Tommy Boy Esq.

Today is a pretty big deal.  One of the great magazines of western civilization, Esquire, is now graced by my sketchiness.  That didn't come out right.  You know what I mean.  I drew on it.  I drew on their cover.  Needless to say, I am honored.  I always knew this day would come, just had no idea when it came that I would be making the whole thing up.  This is not a real Esquire cover.  But it should be.
He who is pictured not once but three times above, is Tommy Boy, a character of Sanford Greene, one of the great illustrators of western civilization.  Tom seems to be pretty cool, and a bunch of people like him -I think because he kills dragons, so I figured he deserved an Esquire cover.  And since I wrote in to the magazine 47 times and received zero response, I took it upon myself to make it happen.  So to avoid confusion, do not look for this issue in the grocery store.  More than likely won't be there.  But do go pick up Sanford Greene's "1000" and catch up on Tommy Boy's adventures.  Shout out to Esquire.  And to western civilization.
Monica Raymund.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Fool Pityin'

I could not tell you if University of South Carolina quarterback coach slash recruiting extraordinaire G.A. Mangus has ever met Mr. T.  Mangus is a pretty trill dude, as you can easily tell from the picture above, so I'm not ready to put that past him.  What I can tell you, is G.A. is very similar sounding to B.A.  As in, B.A. Baracus.  As in, gold chain wearin', feather earring havin', super cool mohawk dude from the A-Team.  And that's really all the motivation I need to scribble some pencil magic on a piece of paper:  Rhymability.  There.  Secret's out.  Hope you're happy.
But back to the important matter...does G.A. go into recruits' living rooms with an extra syllable in his last name and Fort Knox around his neck?  I don't know.  But if he doesn't, I think he should start.  Pretty good selling point if you ask me.  So, because I am getting drowsy and my fingers are slipping from the home keys, I am going to wrap this up.  Just remember kids, rhyming is fun for all ages, and sometimes, the key to really ridiculous pictures.  Go Gamecocks.
Juliette Barnes.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

PFP Logo Work

Some logo work for Prime Fitness & Performance.  Feel free to make it your screensaver.  That way you can stare at it all day long.  While in the trance state, turn some music on, see if it will start to dance for you.  In fact, legend has it that if you look directly into the eyes of the logo long may begin to see spots.  If this happens, you should stop staring immediately, find the nearest floor, and do push-ups until your vision returns to normal.
Actually, scratch that last sentence.  For all physical fitness tips/questions, you should get your advice from my guy Shelevy Boozer over at PFPnot the dude who did the logo.  I'll just say do more push-ups.  As you will see upon traveling to said site, the workouts get results.  I'm talking full body/mind transformation.  You can take my word for it.  I use the workouts, and I am ripped out of my mind.  I look like San Francisco 49er linebacker Navarro Bowman.  For those of you that actually know who I am and what I look like, don't say anything.  So seriously, give the site a look.  But only after you've meditated on the logo for a good 15, 20 minutes..
Kerry Washington.